Strange Lives of Black Folks Page 4

  Chapter Two

  Ford

  Like most couples that don’t have the initial love necessary in a healthy relationship, Della based her marriage on hope- a constant battle. She thought that if she believed strongly enough anything was possible, even love. She waited patiently but continually struggled with truth. Everything else was there. Respect was never an issue and neither was sacrifice. They both sacrificed a little of themselves in order to make the best out of their relationship. Yet, in Della’s heart, the unexplainable thing that separates friends from lovers was missing. An attraction beyond just the surface was needed for their relationship to be an honest one.

  Observers saw them as the perfect couple. It was hard not to notice the natural way they balanced one another. Della communicated well with others. Everyone admired her confidence. It made an otherwise ordinary woman quite attractive. Ford wasn’t very talkative but Della made it simple for him. All he needed to do was respond. Her ability to make anyone feel comfortable was how the friendship began.

  They often saw each other in school and around the neighborhood. Della always spoke first to Ford, and he usually responded with a boyish smile. He had a mysterious charm about him that even he was unaware of, but often got him whatever he wanted including Della.

  The first time that they said more than one word to each other was during their senior year in high school. Della had asked Ford if he had planned to go to college. When they realized that they were both headed for the same school a bond of convenience developed. It didn’t take long for Ford to begin expressing feelings towards Della. With little to no consideration, Della decided to give it a try, hoping that those genuine feelings would come later. Since they were still young she saw their growth as a realistic possibility.

  There was no doubt that Ford was a good man and very modest about his accomplishments. During their college years Ford excelled in his medical program. In contrast, due to a family tragedy Della did not complete college. She received continuous support from Ford both emotionally and financially.

  Ford finished school and received his degree, but it was easily forgotten. He didn’t doggedly carry it around awaiting an opportunity for acknowledgment. Out of consideration for Della, he humbled his success around her. Della found Ford’s effortless acts of selflessness refreshing. This convinced her that his love was unconditional, although it was difficult for her to understand. She felt that Ford deserved better. She no longer had the poise that once completed her. Without her confidence Della had nothing else to offer anyone. She saw her college experience as evidence of her mediocre existence. This disappointment was a constant reminder of how average she truly was.

  It was never an issue with Ford and because of this she became attached. Yet out of concern for Della, Ford tried convincing her to finished school hoping that this would allow her to regain her assurance. She replied with the dismal comment, “it’s too late.” Besides Ford’s subtle hints regarding starting a family was a welcoming conciliation for her. Since her feelings were meticulously increasing for Ford, she felt that their relationship might finally blossom.

  She eventually grew to love Ford as one would love a pet. Ford’s clean looks, intellect, and benign personality was all that she thought she needed. She was determined to not allow this opportunity to pass her by. Yet plagued by pride, she waited patiently for Ford to make it official.

  They had already been living together for almost two years in a small one-bedroom apartment. It was close to town and very convenient for Ford since he worked at a pharmaceutical company twenty minutes away. Knowing things would get better, she didn’t complain about their transitory living arrangements. She was already playing the role of a housewife before it was finalized.

  When he got the courage to ask Della to marry him, she answered before he could finish- making it less awkward for both of them. Neither of them were romantics. She saw the ring and ignored the truth. She reasoned that because the foundation of their relationship was based on friendship the transition into marriage shouldn’t be too complicated.

  Somewhere in between the years, she lost herself and all that remained was an lifeless casing. This once very expressive human being withdrew from conversations with others including Ford. She slowly became a recluse yet still committed to not being alone.

  After fifty-four years of marriage a day of reckoning was not far behind. Della finally concluded that hope was never enough to carry a marriage. The doubts that she tried desperately in the past to ignore began to surface. She could not endure the torturous thoughts of growing old with someone that she never learned to love. She only wished that they had remained friends. Fifty-four years yet she could never reciprocate her husband’s love. During all those years, Ford appeared content with any brand of affection Della was willing to give to him. He didn’t expect nor did he need much from her. His only request through their years together was for her to bare his children. Her obligation to him rendered no other answer but to at least please him in that respect. She happily obliged his requests in hopes that it would bring them closer and substitute for something that was not naturally there.

  They raised five children and buried two of them. Their depths of ever growing silence were interrupted during the years spent raising their children. The loss of their two children was the only justifiable moment for the increased silence. After the children were no longer part of their daily lives, silence was now the only thing that they shared. This silence had no place amongst the living.

  They maintained mutual respect and continued living together in this manner. Ford was all Della knew; therefore she tolerated the misery he unknowingly brought to her. Until the day an outburst of discontent finally erupted. Della had too much time alone that day and treasured the relief it brought. This was the first time she had been alone to think in a long time.

  Ford had come home late that night from a weekend fishing trip. When he turned on the kitchen light he could see Della laying across the couch in the moonlit living room. Her face gave a peaceful yet somber expression. He moved about quietly so as not to wake her. As he made his way gently through the living room and towards the stairs, he heard what sounded like weeping coming from Della. Unsure of her level of consciousness, he did not want to fully awaken her. He tried hard to avoid all the cracks in the steps that he became familiar with during the twenty-one years spent in that house. He heard constant movements and knew she had awakened.

  “Ford, I need to talk you,” she said in the most pitiful voice that Ford had ever heard.

  The voice surprised him. Halfway up the steps he turned around and looked at Della sitting listlessly. Even more pitiful than her voice was her disposition. This was the first time Ford could actually see Della’s true age. It was evident in her voice and in the pathetic slow motions of her body. He felt sorry for her and didn’t know why.

  “You said something Dee?”

  “Yeah… we need to talk,” she faintly replied.

  By the sound of her voice, Ford thought that maybe she had been drinking but he glanced around and saw nothing to support it. For all the years he had known her, he never saw her once take a drink. Even if he would occasionally bring home some wine, she would never taste it. In fact she despised alcohol. This, he believed, was because of the accident that killed her parents while she was still in college.

  He calmly made his way back down the stairs and sat across from her on the old recliner. The kids played on it so much that it took too much effort to adjust it to the reclining position. No one had patience for it so they simply forgot about its special use. He sat so close to the edge of it that any quick movement on his part would have caused him to slide right off.

  “You okay?”

  “No… no I’m not okay,” Della replied in an almost pleading manner.

  Noticing her response, Ford did not know what to say. He struggled to find the right reaction. He knew that he should truly be concerned. This was
the first time he had seen Della cry since the death of their children. He had gotten used to the way things were and thought that everything was okay. It bothered him to see Della acting this way. He spoke curiously, “What’s wrong Dee… what’s the matter?”

  “It’s not just me…it’s us Ford”

  “What is it Dee?”

  They looked at each other in the eyes for a brief time, forgetting about their mutual habit of avoiding such intimacy. It was different now.

  “We don’t love each other. You knew it all along and never said anything?”

  “What are you talking about…you know that’s not true”

  “It’s true Ford, you don’t love me. You never cared to know me.”

  “What’s the matter? Where is all this comin’ from Dee… of course I know you. We’ve known each other since high school… high school Dee. Remember? That had to be more than fifty years ago… Don’t do this Dee-not now. We’re just too old for this…we just too old.” he said persuasively.

  “You should not have allowed me to do this to you. I robbed you of true love. It just ain’t right.”

  “Why now Dee, why are you saying all this now” he collapsed his head in his hands.

  “Don’t you know what I’m talking about?”

  He looked up. Thinking that it was some secret Della needed to share Ford pressed her to tell him. At that instant he felt that whatever it was he would be willing to forgive. His main objective was to make her feel better. He believed once she got it out and she saw how forgiving a man he was she would be okay. They would be okay again.

  “Come on honey, let it out. What is it?”

  Della knew that she had to respond but was unsure how. It was too late to turn around. She didn’t want to hurt him but her words were not chosen very carefully.

  “After all these years Ford you must have felt it.”

  Ford did not respond during her terse moment of hesitation. He continued to listen apprehensively, beginning to feel a bit uneasy as to where this was leading.

  “I never loved you Ford, didn’t you know that.”

  She let out a descanting cry and continued, “Why couldn’t you see that, I mean all these years and you couldn’t see the sorrow in my eyes. It shouldn’t have had to come to this but you never understood. I was waiting for the day that you would see it but you never did. You’re so full of hope that you let it blind you. You forgot about love. You sacrificed being loved for the sake of me. Why did you let me deprive you of that? You should not have settled for me. I was miserable with you and you didn’t even know it… There were times I had even wondered what it would be like if we had never gotten married. I know that this sounds awful but it’s just how I feel most of the time.”

  She saw his eyes sort of drift away as if to say enough but she continued. She knew she had to finish now.

  “We wasted all this time together and I just can’t pretend to love you anymore. You shouldn’t have wanted to live like this either. It was too much work for us. Now look at us. We’re old! This house is old! The damn furniture is old! Everything around us is old. There’s nothing-nothing in here to tell us that we’re alive!”

  Della then stopped, fearing that any more words might be too harmful. She waited, giving him time to absorb her words.

  They sat there for several minutes with only a coffee table between them. Not even the dependable sounds of the television or radio typically used when silence got too intense could rescue them. Only loud movements of discomfort could be heard.

  Della leaned back and let out a deep suppressed breath. Unaware of his own motions, Ford watched Della’s every move. He observed this woman for the first time, the way a stranger would a willing victim. He did not see that frail hidden creature that once attracted him. Gone was that inner beauty that he gave her. He saw nothing. Nothing in her for him to fight for, except the fifty-four years he dedicated to them. He had rescued her from a life of loneliness but no longer felt honored by her humility.

  Yet he somehow found the strength to pursue. He remembered a promise that he made to Della’s parents when they first left for college. He promised that he would take care of her. He told them that nothing would happen to her as long as he was alive. He now had a reason to continue his role as a supportive husband especially during times of despair. His obligation protected him and gave him a reason to continue.

  He was still submerged in emotions that he didn’t know existed within him. Every word rested heavily on his tongue. He, too, aged as he fought to get up from the recliner. He continued back up the steps. But then turned around and spoke gently, almost whispering to himself.

  “We’re just too old to start over now...no one should die alone, not even you.”

  Knowing that this was indeed her reality, Della said nothing. She simply lied back across the couch as if the conversation never occurred.

  After hearing his story Ford’s spirit was ready to speak: I suffered a stroke soon after and died. I finally freed the both of us from one another and have been here ever since. As for Della, she kept on living several years after my death. She remarried a younger man. The $725,000 insurance policy was quite enticing. He left her two years later after spending most of the money. She didn’t have the means for a decent burial. Her body was laid to rest in Potter’s field along with the rest of the countless souls that have been betrayed by their love ones.

  When love is defined by time it eventually grows, but by a mutual understanding of what it supposed to be. Yet, she could no longer act the role that love required. My story is nothing new. Della made it clear to me that day that my function was to fill a void. That is the most selfish thing a person could do in a relationship. Everyone deserves to experience love in its fullest and I was robbed of that opportunity. However, I cannot fully blame her. I was a willing participant. I confess, it best served me to ignore the signs then. I thought that because I was a loving supportive husband that everything would work out in the end. My purpose was to protect my purpose, which was Della. As long as she depended on me for her survival, my life was meaningful.

  However, I wasted too much time on one person when I could have helped hundreds if not thousands of others. I believe with every interaction there is a chance to change someone’s life with something as simple as a smile or words of encouragement. The faces that I ignored now disturb me. I should have rebelled against complacency. Perhaps then, she would have truly respected and love me as a husband.

  We all have a rebellious nature but some of us try to ignore it because we believe it to be a negative trait. Rebellion can work to your advantage and serve a higher calling. If I had rebelled against my inert nature I would have triumphed in death. It is too easy to do nothing but the bare minimum. I never put my all into anything but my useless morals. The relationship I had with my wife, lacked definition. We were a simple computer program that functioned through repetition. There was a sense of familiarity that we both clung to until one of us was brave enough to say let’s end the charade. The end of the charade meant the end of my life. Although I lived a long life it meant nothing.

  My spirit questioned Ford, “What would you tell your children? Is there any advice that you wish to give them?”

  I would encourage them to build strong and healthy relationships without a strong emphasis on romance. Establishing meaningful relationships with family and friends will alleviate the pressure we feel to get married and invest our entire life in one soul. I limited my relationships to one. I never knew what it was like to have someone so dear to you that you could consider him or her a brother or sister. That’s what we both needed. We needed another outlet. It could have saved our marriage. There was nothing healthy about our relationship. It was all based on compulsive fear that ironically came to fruition. Our fear drew reality near.

  Like Della, I also feared dying alone. No one wants to live alone and no one wants to die alone. Loneliness is a form of death, perhaps worse, in tha
t you experience loneliness but death is the end of everything including loneliness. If you don’t believe that you’re loved, a sense of loneliness will always be with you no matter how many people you’re surrounded by. Most people, knowingly or unknowingly, settle for anything to avoid loneliness. We all suffer from loneliness because we’re aware of our immortality and we allow it to haunt us. We know our ultimate fate ends in aloneness. But having someone in your presence doesn’t take away the void within. I attached myself to a love that didn’t exist, which resulted in an unhealthy relationship.

  Many confuse attachment with love. They believe that attaching themselves to something (anything that brings temporary joy or a zest for life) is better than detachment from the world. They think that by detaching you are not fully living because you are avoiding hurt and pain. However, you can be passionate about life without becoming obsessed with feelings. Enjoy and love life without the attachment to impermanence. Attachment denotes dependency. Simply love the moment for what it is and you will partake in the beauty of life. Connect with the moment by embracing all that the present time has to offer and then let it go.

  That is what’s meant by enjoy each moment. If you attach yourself to something other than that given moment, you won’t be able to appreciate the next moment because you’ll be stuck in the past. You can reflect on it but don’t live in it. Sometimes a present moment may trigger a reflection on a similar event that previously transpired, which is a natural process. Aside from that, there’s no room for compulsive reflection which usually brings about regret. Once we define ourselves by people and events from the past we become attached to those things. Moments have a life of their own and they soon pass as do everything else. Remember, our experiences will always be a part of us so we never truly lose it. If you know this then there is no need to get attached.

  When we go on vacation, we enjoy those moments but we don’t get attached to it because we know it will not last. So we cherish it even more because we recognize how precious it is. Attachment leads to obsession, which is a dangerous territory. Instead of letting go you hold on to things that may not be good for you. But out of fear or habit most of us continue this practice.

  “So attachment serve’s no point. There’s nothing worth becoming attached to in this world?”

  What good is it to get attached to anything that’s not yours? For your body doesn’t even belong to you. It eventually returns to its origin. Your thoughts are not yours either. It’s a slave to the circumstances that invented them (your lifetime experiences and the environment). Even those feelings that you believe define your soul are actually part of the brain that trigger emotions. You cannot feel, touch, or think without the brain telling you to do so. We humans get so caught up in this is my husband, that’s my child, that’s my house, that’s’ my degree, or that was my idea, but we all leave here with nothing. It’s vital to your soul and spirit not to get attached to anything in this world including an idea. Share freely your ideas so that it does not die along with you, but instead has a chance to live out its purpose through someone else. Everything belongs to what created and formed it. It belongs to the universe.

  Love is freedom so love without becoming attached. I know this is tricky to do because of our selfish desires. It takes will power to overcome your desires without becoming numb, however, mastering self is letting go of self. We must remember that humans are in a constant state of elevation. Elevation becomes stagnant when we stick to what is comfortable or what is momentarily gratifying. We progress by doing what is good for the universe not what is self soothing.

  Getting attached to something or someone also takes away from us getting to know ourselves. We get so engulfed with being a part of something or someone that we lose our individuality.

  “But isn’t that the point. Shouldn’t we strive to lose our selfish individuality to become one with the universe? Isn’t that the way to unity?”

  If we lose our individuality too soon then we lose our individual meaning. We have to have an individual purpose to be of any “good purpose” while on earth. In the boundless universe we are seen as a whole before we are individuals. Here on earth we must become individuals before we can comprehend the whole. Edgar Allen Poe once said in his Mesmeric Revelation, “For mind, existing unincorporated, is merely God. To create individual, thinking beings, it was necessary to incarnate portions of the divine mind. Thus man is individualized. Divested of corporate investiture, he were God. Now the particular motion of the incarnated portions of unparticled matter is the thought of man; as the motion of the whole is God.” There are different sets of rules for different planes. We have stages that we must go through in order to advance. We must begin filling the umbrella of love first with ourselves, then our family and community, and the rest of the world including animals and plant life.

  “Since you mentioned God, I would be remised if I didn’t ask where does God fit into your theory or do you not believe in God?”

  God is everything that anybody has ever said it was. He is the omnipresent because he is Energy -all energy in all forms at all times. Energy is responsible for our existence. It is Energy that allows All to exist and All to be created. It is this energy that we drink from as it continuously flows out the faucet of eternity. All we have to do is turn it on. This is not meant to oversimplify the power of God because the power of Energy is everything. God has to be comprehendible. Energy sounds simple but if we know how energy works then we know how God works. Energy becomes complex when you factor in the many variations and variables it entails. Especially when we step outside the frame and see it all set in motion. There are billions of tiny cells that form one large cell-the human body. We are the little gods that form The Ultimate God.

  “Okay, so what’s the difference between being connected as opposed to being attached?”

  A connection is what we always have. When we feel loved by many we feel the connection growing more and more. Once you link to something you feel a sense of togetherness. Loneliness exists because people don’t understand their connection to everything that exists. Attachment is a mental and emotional dependency on something or someone. Connections are there whether we recognize them or not, attachment is forced and the beauty of the connection is lost.

  If you feel connected to all that exist then loneliness does not have to be experienced even when you are alone. Attaching ourselves to something is a result of our own shortcomings. We are attaching ourselves to things for the wrong reason. We attach ourselves to things and people mostly out of fear of death. People and things make us feel alive. When we don’t have anything around us, we feel worthless or dead. Look at people and all forms of life as a part of nature and therefore a part of you because we are all bonded by the natural laws of the universe. We are taking from the same life source. Love people because you know how precious any form of life is and you know it is not going to last forever, that is accepting life as it is. Appreciate all nature’s creations and love the uniqueness each brings. No thing lasts forever except for authentic love. Love is the only part of you that will continue without you because it is part of a bigger entity that was on loan until you die. That energy resonates forever by finding new life in others.

  It is the love from the universe that allows us to exist. Do what love does and go where it takes you. Connect yourself to love and you will appreciate every moment. By this I mean learn to love all forms of life. Relish the splendor of what you see, but acknowledge that it is the unseen (the spirit of all things) that is responsible for all existence. When you begin to feel the spirit of a thing, death is not the focus. Live in your conscious. Steadfastly think about your thoughts. If they are not conducive to your better being then terminate your way of thinking.

  “How are we to embrace what we fear if that fear is death?”

  If you notice that you are constantly thinking about death in a macabre sense then destroy those thoughts. It will do nothing for you but confirm your fears
. But death is not the worst thing that could happen- suffering is. We didn’t always exist, therefore we are simply ending where we began. We have to get comfortable with not knowing. You can only prepare yourself for that final bow but so much. Once the curtains open and death reveals itself to you, you don’t know how you are going to respond. Everyone wants a beautiful ending, but there are no guarantees. Always remember what is important to you and stay true to the moral boundaries that you set for yourself. This will guide you through your journey. It is essential to feel a sense of fulfillment. Fulfillment brings about peace in the mind. Take a chance in life and live out your dreams. The further away you get from your dreams the closer you get to death. Equally, the closer you get to your dream the closer you get to self-fulfillment. Once you have fulfilled your dreams there is nothing left to live for- so dream big!

  “So, focusing on death is not a way to get comfortable with the idea and perhaps make us less apprehensive about it when the time comes?”

  Let’s face it, thoughts on death while alive is all speculation derived from influential thoughts formulated into a notion that can never be proven. Original thoughts are scarce. Like John Barlett, “I, too, have gathered a posie of other men’s flowers and nothing but the thread that binds them is mine own.” We will never fully understand the mystery of death. What saddens us all is that no matter how much energy we exercise in getting the answers in this life they can only be answered by actually experiencing it. Death is an obsession for the living. Yet death itself is the observer of life and it awaits us patiently.

  When we reach that other realm it will reveal itself and we will have the answers we searched for, in vane, while alive. A puzzle we spent our entire live trying to solve will be revealed in a matter of seconds. Don’t spend your time questioning those things that you will never fully understand or you will miss the opportunity to experience life in its fullest. Ponder occasionally, but live your life. The answer will never come to you through obsessive thinking. It’s when you are in the center of experiencing life that you will find all you need to know in this life.

  We are obsessed with life and death. Life because it is all we know and death because it is the unknown. The thought of living in the unknown is a scary one because it means the end of what we once knew.

  “So, do you believe in reincarnation on any level, if so what is the purpose does it serve?”

  The purpose for reincarnation is the one we create. I believe in the transformation of energy as a part of nature’s cycle where nothing can leave. We are born, we live, we die, and then the conversion of energy occurs. I will go so far as to say what we call a soul is energy that attached itself to matter to form a living being.

  “If death is the end how is it that we are here, still existing in this unexplainable form?”

  There is a part of us that always existed and will always exist. We are a thought- a thought that will always exist from the collective mind. But is this life after death? Did we really reach our final moment? Yes, to our observers we are dead and buried. To us, we are still alive as thinking beings and to the all seeing this moment is already a thing of the past. Perspective is everything. Or as the others might attest, this can simply be a glitch in the system. Something that is not supposed to happen or indeed something that supposed to happen. That’s what we are trying to figure out. In the meantime all that I can hope for is that others learn from my mistakes.

  The best advice that I could give to the living is to slow down. What you need to know will be revealed to you in time. Be open and ready to receive the messages for it will bring you closer to your destiny. There is nothing mystical about it because the messages that you receive are based on instinct, something that all animals have. No one shows a newborn how to suckle. It is instinctively set in motion by our genetic code, which is an unexplainable gift from nature. So you don’t have to do much to find the answer you are looking for. In fact, seeking too much may block the answer from reaching you.

  If we remembered all of our lives that the spirit experienced, of what use would it be? Your spirit knows everything because it is tied to the universe, but it would be too much for the mind. It would be more of a distraction to your current life. We would be stuck in the past and the hurt or happiness it brought us at that time. Too many memories wouldn’t leave room for growth. Growth is needed in order to accomplish certain tasks for the sake of humanity, which will also give us a personal sense of achievement.

  Those individuals who believe to have had past life experiences may be experiencing the impression that all life makes in this world. They may have the openness to invite the energy of the past. We can all see our past and future with relentless focus or we might be innately receptive to it. But it may not be as personal as we seem to think. Just because you feel a connection to the dead doesn’t mean that you are personally connected to it. The power of electromagnetic forces causes us to see things and people that once lived in a particular place. We may think of it as a ghost but it is just remnants of resistant energy that once occupied an area. That apparition is not alive and does not think and feel. We are connected to all things but living your present life is all that matters. Living is our function thus our purpose.

  “So there is no way we can prepare for a peaceful ending?”

  The only peaceful way to enter death is to live life without any regrets. With regrets comes pain. Death offers us an opportunity to die peacefully, but we must accept it when it is offered. If we don’t, we may continue to live but our quality of life will deteriorate. The only reason why people continue to live when death offers a peaceful way out is because they haven’t come to terms with their regrets.

  Our Song

  No one knows the heart of the lonely

  Except one who too is alone

  They seek shelter in the most desolate places

  For this is where hope resides

  Traveling in space accompanied by none

  They find love within themselves

  Yet consumed by dreams for another

  They create a likewise soul and conjoin together

  in a state of this - an imagined bliss.